Some may not see this as something serious, some may even see this as just a means to escape reality , or get away from responsibilities. But if someone can't smile, wake up everyday and start fresh ready and energized, then they are not living, they are only existing.
And sometimes that is exactly how I feel. Going to sleep hoping the next day will be better but only ending in the same way, or falling even deeper into the enemies threshold. Constantly trying to escape this place, this dark corner that is invisible to so many others but breathes down the back of my neck and glares at me everytime I turn a corner. i shouldn't have to repeatedly pick myself up on an hourly basis, I should not be so sensitive that the slightest irregularity in someone elses opinion of me destroys my whole day and drops my self esteem three notches in a sentence of negativity.
So I am making an attempt to fight back, not just for myself but for my families sake, my relationship and my child as well.This is my life and it doesn't make any since to waste it. Some days I wake up feeling helpless, worthless, invisible or with the desire to be invisible.
It may be up for debate that something like depression is genetic, but I am a strong believer that it is.I feel like there was a point and time when I was this happy little kid, but something happened and now that has all changed, often times I feel like only a portion of my former self, and wish I could regain what I once felt. Just pure and innocent joy.
So right now I feel like I have to fight, to prevent myself from turning into a absolute nut case who gets no joy out of life, who is lonely and old, helpless and miserable. No looking forward to tomorrow and no appreciation for today, so I am going to start researching ways to remedy this mental illness, which for some could be potentially deadly, though others would laugh at the thought.
No comments:
Post a Comment